1 Akinor

Satirical Essays On Gay Marriage

Gay rights are a horrid issue that has been pressing throughout our society for quite some time now. There are reports of different states and institutions wanting to ban gay rights, which include the adoption of a child or children by a gay couple and gay marriage, almost on a daily basis. There are constantly stories of church’s banning different members because of them turning out to be gay. I think this is absolutely marvelous. I mean gay, rights? Could you think of anything more un-American? Who in their right minds would give gays actual human rights? They aren’t human. There’s nothing human about what they do. It’s barbaric and disgusting.

One of the biggest issues that we face right now are the gays wanting to get married. That is sick, that is cruel, and this is absolutely disgusting. Ever since the biblical days, even the Lord made it very clear that he does not like homosexuals — proving this with events such as Sodom and Gomorrah where an entire town of savage gays were destroyed. But, what about the “unalienable rights” that gays have as being part of our country that thrives and flourishes off of independence, freedom, and liberty? It’s “not fair” that only gays aren’t allowed to become united as one until death do them part.

I have a declaration. Rather than just making it illegal for those flamboyant pansies to get married, let us ban marriage across all Homo sapiens! Even heterosexuals are Homo sapiens and any species having the prefix “homo-” in it is already just crossing the line. Let us make marriage punishable by death with the only exception being to sacrifice the couple’s first born child, which they must already have procreated to fulfill this exception.

Why is this good idea? For starters, banning marriage across the entire human would finally crush the hope and joy of those abominable, foul homosexuals. Even mentally internalizing the thought of the men or two women getting married is downright sick. That is not what God intended. That is not what our Founding Fathers intended either. This country was made for only the pure, straight, white species. But if takes holistically banning marriage to restore this country once again, then so be it.

Banning marriage would also take that dumb stigma off of sex before marriage. What is so wrong with having a country running around with lustful, promiscuous heathens? Sex before marriage is thrilling, fun, and exhilarating. The prime reason of this being a perfect idea is that sex before marriage also allows for one to try out different things before they find out what they want — thus allowing lesser chance of divorce and the strife that follows that much down the road.

Weddings are honestly just way too expensive, too. Couples spend so much money on these lavish ceremonies that only for about 1 day. That money can be spent on so many other things that actually matter like stem cell research, Michael Kors accessories, and jet skis. Those are the things that will keep our society strong.

Lastly, making marriage illegal would lessen the burden of raising children with good morals and values. Having to raise a child up “right” takes too much time and energy which also takes away for the parents’ ability to live their own lives. This would also psychologically strengthen children by allowing them to gain confidence by making their own decisions, would lessen the high amount of emotional and self-image issues today, and would let them learn by their own trials and errors, no matter how God-awful they might be.

Let’s go back to a simpler time where women were property and gays where sent to mental hospitals to be cured; a time where blacks where slaves and any woman adulterer was a witch and burned at the stake. It was a better time, and a time when things made sense. I, myself, as a middle-aged, divorced, childless, Caucasian man believe that banning marriage across the entire human race is a marvelous idea. All of this girls-like-girls and boys-like-boys and boys dressing like girls is nonsense. It’s confusing and different and shouldn’t be allowed in this pure country.

Marriage is only meant to be between a man and a woman. It is a sacred bond of love and everyone knows that love only exists with straight couples. Homosexuals are unworthy of getting married and they might as well be stripped of their rights to have an education too. God hates homosexuals, so I believe that if I take away other people's rights, God will love me more. The eighth commandment tells me not to steal. Even though others and I are stealing rights away from same sex couples, it is okay because nobody likes gays. They are not people and are never seen having any friends just like blacks, women, and retards.
Being gay is not natural. True Americans would reject all unnatural things such as clothes, glasses, braces, and technology. If gay marriage is legalized, then everyone will become gay. To prevent this from happening, I will make signs that read "God hates fags" and display them in public to make people hate themselves. They already are harassed for being different, but I will make sure they feel like complete and utter crap about themselves by the end of the day.
Homosexual marriage is wrong because they cannot have children. Matter of fact, if heterosexual couples do not have a child within the first nine months of their marriage they should be forced to get a divorce. We have kids living on the streets, starving, or in foster homes. Still, we must make sure that there are enough kids in the world suffering. Another problem with gay parents is they will only raise gay children, just like straight parents only raise straight children.
Only heterosexual marriages are beautiful and sacred. Especially if it happened due to pregnancy or a drunken one night stand. Even if same sex couples have been together for years, it is not love. Gays do not have emotions, so it won't crush them when they hear that the one person who truly means everything to them cannot be called their husband or wife.
Gays choose to be this way. While I was a fetus in my mother's womb I decided that I would like men. Straight people decided to be normal. Gays, on the other hand, decided to be different. They decided to be outcasts and ridiculed everyday of their lives. They decided it would be fun to know a lot of people would disagree with whom they choose to love. They decided to live a life where they know they can never marry the person who means everything to them.
I won't ever have to worry about the problems they go through because I am normal. No one has ever told me who I love is wrong so I don't need to care about how others feel. America is a dictatorship, and I am the leader. I choose what the people's rights are. People all over the world leave their countries to come here in search of someone to control what they can and cannot do. I promise you it will not just stop at gays. Soon enough my intolerance for all who are different will control everything, and the world will be just the way it's meant to be.

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